I'm hurting today. Tears barrel down my cheeks, and if you were to ask me why, I couldn't give you a straight answer. Today I am struggling with faith, hope, despair, disappointment, longing, endings and beginnings. I am struggling with a life full of bad choices that ultimately led to some amazing people and experiences, but were bad choices none the less. I am feeling trampled by unrequited loves and ambitions. The questions keep ringing in my head: "Why didn't I say anything?" "Why didn't I fight harder for this and less for that," "Why didn't I seek help then only to find misguidance later," "Why didn't I walk away/stay," "Why didn't I say yes/no?" I wish my life were a choose-your-own-adventure book that allowed you to go back and choose a different direction and read ahead to see all the endings. The romantic idea of my husband's Doctor Who resetting time in the Christmas special year after year doesn't seem so silly right now.
If I could go back in time, I would say, "I love you," more often. I would've taken more risks and opened up my heart. I would have eaten less, run more, and forced myself to leave my head. What can I do now? No one wants to hear what I have to say. I am a relic, a creation of my own imagination and will. But, now the will is gone. What I love, what brings me absolute joy, just brings tears. The bittersweet taste of the notes cascading toward heaven leave my heart so heavy. In all this, I try to remember not to live by sight or even my will but His. Is he listening, or has he turned a deaf ear because my lips speak His truth but my heart has become. . . has become. . . empty? hard? lost? I don't know. If it were empty and hard, I don't think I would feel this overwhelming sadness. Lost is better, but not accurate. I am lost. I am fragile and vunerable. I need help but I don't know who is truly listening. I am praying for a miracle. I am praying for solace. I am praying for an end. I am praying. . . is anybody listening?
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