I'm hurting today. Tears barrel down my cheeks, and if you were to ask me why, I couldn't give you a straight answer. Today I am struggling with faith, hope, despair, disappointment, longing, endings and beginnings. I am struggling with a life full of bad choices that ultimately led to some amazing people and experiences, but were bad choices none the less. I am feeling trampled by unrequited loves and ambitions. The questions keep ringing in my head: "Why didn't I say anything?" "Why didn't I fight harder for this and less for that," "Why didn't I seek help then only to find misguidance later," "Why didn't I walk away/stay," "Why didn't I say yes/no?" I wish my life were a choose-your-own-adventure book that allowed you to go back and choose a different direction and read ahead to see all the endings. The romantic idea of my husband's Doctor Who resetting time in the Christmas special year after year doesn't seem so silly right now.
If I could go back in time, I would say, "I love you," more often. I would've taken more risks and opened up my heart. I would have eaten less, run more, and forced myself to leave my head. What can I do now? No one wants to hear what I have to say. I am a relic, a creation of my own imagination and will. But, now the will is gone. What I love, what brings me absolute joy, just brings tears. The bittersweet taste of the notes cascading toward heaven leave my heart so heavy. In all this, I try to remember not to live by sight or even my will but His. Is he listening, or has he turned a deaf ear because my lips speak His truth but my heart has become. . . has become. . . empty? hard? lost? I don't know. If it were empty and hard, I don't think I would feel this overwhelming sadness. Lost is better, but not accurate. I am lost. I am fragile and vunerable. I need help but I don't know who is truly listening. I am praying for a miracle. I am praying for solace. I am praying for an end. I am praying. . . is anybody listening?
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The Most Terrifying Entrance of All
It's Christmas time. A time where as a Christian, I celebrate Jesus Christ who later is sacrificed to save us from our sins. I don't care if you don't believe, but I do. However, I differ in the opinion of many Christians about the arrival of Jesus. Many think that God taking human form as a child is such a meek and unassuming way to enter the world. Who would imagine God coming as a baby? What type of grand entrance is this?! I tend to disagree. Jesus arriving through the channels of every other human is probably the most terrifying thing of all - especially to Mary, and to anyone who can recall the moment their first child was born.
When I was blessed with my daughter, I was overjoyed, overwhelmed, and terrified all at the same time. Think about how people react to babies. We are in awe of the miracle of life, yet we approach each newborn with caution aware of their fragile nature and their heart-wrenching cries when they are in need of food, warmth, comfort, love. As a new mother alone with my daughter for the first time, I cried for an hour when I couldn't figure out how to satisfy her needs. I was exhausted. Dirty. Frustrated. Beaten down. Her screams only made me aware of how inept I was. How human I was. Nothing turns your pride into dust like caring for your first child.
So, what other form would make sense for God to take when he decided to work among his people. Babies weaken the strong. They soften the hardest heart. They can heal unspoken hurts. At the same time, they can divide families, uncover insecurities, reveal cycles that should be broken, and they can shatter comfort zones and security. For better or worse, babies can change our perspective for humanity and make us want to change who we are.
Even for nonbelievers this "story" of God joining his creation as a child should inspire awe because it speaks to His awareness of those that would and would not follow Him. For me, I am glad that Jesus arrived as a baby. I am glad I have been blessed with a beautiful and healthy girl whose arrival inspired just as much awe, joy and fright as Mary may have experienced. I know she is not the Messiah returned but she is my own miracle with her own purpose. Maybe she will lead nations. Maybe she will bring disciples to the Lord. Maybe she will heal the sick and calm the hurt. Or, maybe she will just make those around her want to be better; sparking seeds of inspiration that spread around the world. I know I am ambitious about all she could become. Right now, I am happy she is healthy and she is mine. Her life has made me more aware of the meaning of Christmas and the joy and sacrifice that will follow. Here's to a Merry Christmas to all. Especially the mothers - even those who may have only experienced the blessing for a few brief moments. Here's to God's wisdom to come as a child. To frighten. To comfort. To inspire. And most importantly, to let us all experience LOVE.
When I was blessed with my daughter, I was overjoyed, overwhelmed, and terrified all at the same time. Think about how people react to babies. We are in awe of the miracle of life, yet we approach each newborn with caution aware of their fragile nature and their heart-wrenching cries when they are in need of food, warmth, comfort, love. As a new mother alone with my daughter for the first time, I cried for an hour when I couldn't figure out how to satisfy her needs. I was exhausted. Dirty. Frustrated. Beaten down. Her screams only made me aware of how inept I was. How human I was. Nothing turns your pride into dust like caring for your first child.
So, what other form would make sense for God to take when he decided to work among his people. Babies weaken the strong. They soften the hardest heart. They can heal unspoken hurts. At the same time, they can divide families, uncover insecurities, reveal cycles that should be broken, and they can shatter comfort zones and security. For better or worse, babies can change our perspective for humanity and make us want to change who we are.
Even for nonbelievers this "story" of God joining his creation as a child should inspire awe because it speaks to His awareness of those that would and would not follow Him. For me, I am glad that Jesus arrived as a baby. I am glad I have been blessed with a beautiful and healthy girl whose arrival inspired just as much awe, joy and fright as Mary may have experienced. I know she is not the Messiah returned but she is my own miracle with her own purpose. Maybe she will lead nations. Maybe she will bring disciples to the Lord. Maybe she will heal the sick and calm the hurt. Or, maybe she will just make those around her want to be better; sparking seeds of inspiration that spread around the world. I know I am ambitious about all she could become. Right now, I am happy she is healthy and she is mine. Her life has made me more aware of the meaning of Christmas and the joy and sacrifice that will follow. Here's to a Merry Christmas to all. Especially the mothers - even those who may have only experienced the blessing for a few brief moments. Here's to God's wisdom to come as a child. To frighten. To comfort. To inspire. And most importantly, to let us all experience LOVE.
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