Life's Misguided Tour

I think I have a blog on almost every site I signed up for that offered one.  Before blogs, I had handwritten journals.  In fact, I still keep a few, and yes, I mean a few.  I am a journal collector of sorts, and I think that summarizes my life pretty well.  I never seem to have my thoughts all in one place.  There are pieces of who I was and who I am scattered everywhere - in every nook and cranny of my house, my nanna's house, my mom's house, and the schools I've attended.  There are probably words I've written lingering in a recycled cup, paper, or toilet roll somewhere in the world right now.

This cacophony of thoughts, ideas, dreams, and disillusions, were never centered.  Many times, the ambitions that I obsessed over weren't even my own.  No matter how much I wanted to say, or how loudly I said it, my thoughts remained scattered and my point was lost in all the various words and writings I scattered everywhere.

I guess that's why I never seem to move forward very fast.  I lack focus.  Despite my best efforts and attempts to achieve something great, I am always misguided; reaching for the wrong thing, looking in the wrong direction, trying to be the person everyone wants me to be.  What would happen if I were to focus myself?  To move in one direction instead of many?  The thought alone is frightening, let alone seemingly impossible.

I think my greatest fear is taking the time to collect myself, focus myself on one goal that could be what I was put here to accomplish.  I worry that if I focus on that ONE thing, I will miss out on the opportunities that may come from the other things I happen to excel in (even if they don't make me happy).  I worry what my family and friends will think of me.  I already experience the daily battle of hanging on to a business that is all but dead.  I already look around and see the results of a string of optimistic and failed decisions in home buying, child bearing, and love.  I know the hurt that comes from seeing something you strongly believe in suddenly ripped away from you leaving you with nothing but questions.  I've invested in ONE thing before, and the results were life changingly bad.

So, what do I do?  That pull is still there.  That call to focus; to decide one direction to head in, and only one.  This is not an easy choice at any time in a life.  You top it off with being a mother, a core music ministry vocalist, a business manager, a key support employee, and a cornerstone to your family, and the choice to focus - really take time and focus - becomes an exhausting one.  I just can't help think about the times when I did what felt exactly right, even if not even the least bit logically, and smile.  There was a time when I knew where I was going.  I just need to focus - and find my way back there.